Sandra’s Story
“Let’s see what happens”, this was my attitude when I attended the Journey 101 course (J101), but I was unaware of the issues that I had.
When I was a child, my biological father abused my mother and killed her. And so, I was removed from my biological parents and placed in an orphanage. I was very young and did not understand why I needed to be moved. I used to wait for my parents to come fetch me. When they didn’t come, I thought it was because they didn’t want me. As a result, feelings of abandonment and rejection have plagued me all my life.
During the J101, I felt that this was the issue that God placed His finger on and wanted to deal with. It was here that I learnt that I am not “all that and a bag of chips.”
After doing the J101 I felt God telling me to persevere in my journey and attend the Journey Discipleship Course (JDC). I signed up immediately. This season was a bit of a rude awakening because I realised that I have baggage in the form of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.
At a very early age, I experienced sexual abuse at the orphanage. Later, at 6 years old, I was adopted into a family of seven children. Growing up in this family was not easy. I would have arguments with my adoptive mother. There were times when the other children in my adopted family would hit me repeatedly. In one incident with one of the children, I became so angry that I grabbed a knife and wanted to stab her.
Whenever I stepped out of line, I would get a beating with a belt. I can still remember my first beating when I came home with a swear word that I had picked up at school. I was laying on the bed and the next moment I had an encounter with the belt. I was so confused and could not understand what was wrong. There was no explanation, just one lash after another.
During the JDC, I realised that these experiences that I used to think of as discipline, were physical abuse. I became angry and overwhelmed. My Journey facilitator suggested that I share these feelings with the Holy Spirit and ask Jesus to come into those places where I felt angry and overwhelmed.
It was in this place that I experienced the compassionate heart of Jesus. It left me undone because I was able to see HIS heart towards me.
I grew up never really being hugged or told that I was loved. I always felt that my adoptive mother was just doing her Christian duty by raising me. As I result, I sometimes struggle as an adult to hug people or be vulnerable and say the words “I love you.” I have noticed that, as I allow God to come into those empty places and bring healing and allow Him to fill them, I am starting to hug people but I still struggle with this at times.
I decided to attend the Journey Intensive to continue my healing journey. I arrived as a blank slate in that I didn’t come with any expectations but trusted that God would unveil any issue that needed to be dealt with.
I found that I had buried my experience of being raped many years ago. I was under the influence of alcohol when it happened. I felt ashamed and humiliated because I was in no condition to protect myself. And so I never spoke of it to anyone because of my feelings of guilt and shame.
God met me in this issue and many others. I asked God to forgive me for being drunk and not bring in a place to protect myself. I experienced God’s compassion and love for me, as well as His forgiveness. I was then able to forgive myself and the perpetrators. I have also come to forgive my adoptive family.
Currently, one of the areas that God is highlighting in my life is the issue of control. I had to learn that I can’t control other people’s actions. This is a place of frustration and contention for me. Because of what I have learned in Journey, I know I can hand it over to Jesus. I have become aware of my needs where I was oblivious to them before. I have learned to be more vulnerable and communicate my needs to God, but it is still a journey for me.
I am very grateful that God has used Journey as a vehicle to bring healing and restoration to my life. I am much more at peace.